The year 2011 is a big year for me. I’ll be welcoming a baby girl in 12 weeks, and she already has more clothes than the whole household thanks to her future-godmother. I will also received my Nursing degree and officially be a registered nurse. That is also happening in 12 weeks! Then we might be relocating because of our jobs. My boyfriend was never able to find work as a financial planner here and I told him to apply everywhere and we’ll go wherever he finds work because it’s easier for me to find work wherever than for him. He’s been putting off applying for a year so that I could finish my degree, and I am thankful for that.

In 2011, I am hoping to be more patient with my toddler and learn how to deal with his tantrums. Let’s just hope the arrival of his sister won’t spike the tantrums.

I think there is another tooth coming. For the past month, he’s been crying at absolutely everything, refusing to eat, waking up millions of time at night (ok maybe 5-6 times a night), biting a lot (which hurts when you don’t notice him sneaking up on you) and some aggressive behaviors like throwing toys as hard as possible against a wall and get extremely upset if the toy doesn’t break.

After spending the last few weeks enduring this behavior once again (like at every other tooth), I feel I am loosing my mind. I notice how edgy I am, how I have a hard time being in a good mood and my boyfriend keeps reminding me that it is hard for him too but I seem unable to detach and take a deep breath. If anyone has some tips on how to keep your sanity (or help him feel better… tylenol and popsicle aren’t getting me far, and I tried the hazlenut necklace already) please help me.

My partner’s parents were thrilled. My family on the other hand were greatly disappointed in me. I had to put up with a lot of criticism and even some insults (“I thought you were smart! How can you be so stupid and have a second child?”). My friends had mixed reactions, but the ones who were not approving knew better than to say anything. During those first 2 weeks where I just stood there, shocked by the news and listening to the lack of support from my family, I will admit I considered abortion. I know this will shocked some and some might disapproved, but I have to admit that I laid there in bed every nights wondering if this shouldn’t be an option. After a couple of weeks, I came to term that this was it. I always wanted 2 child close in age and at 27 yrs old, I was old enough to make my own choices, no matter what my family says. I also very much doubt I could have moved on with my life knowing a second child would have been here.

So I am now 19 weeks pregnant, with a toddler whose currently crying on the floor for over an hour now because I wouldn’t let him hit the LCD TV with the XBox controller. What a hell of a ride this is gonna be. Haha!

Having a high need child certainly gave a new meaning to the word strength. Because the truth is, you never know just how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.

Just as I thought it couldn’t possibly get any worse, he started cutting some teeth again. Although I feel like going “Yay! more teeth! finally!” it also means he refuses to eat even more. I didn’t even thought it was possible. So I decided to go on some parents/toddler site for recipes ideas.

Woaaaaah! Is it just me of their quick/easy recipes are everything but quick and easy. Most of them used ingredients I never heard of and I can’t possibly see how it is quickly done. Granted, my cooking skills aren’t the best in the world, but I like cooking (and I hate cleaning dishes) so I’m usually pretty enthusiast to try new recipes.

That’s all good except the last three days, he’s been pretending to poop during the afternoon/evening. Whenever he wants our attention and we can’t quite give it to him, he’ll start to hold his breathe, pretend he’s pushing, grunt and at first, mommy and daddy would come running but…. NO POOP! The minute he’s in our arms, he’ll smile and hug us.

I’m not sure if I should cry or laugh at his little cleverness…

I’ve been having a hard time to keep it together. Going back to work probably didn’t help, although I am glad to be back because it sorts of give me an escape. But I’ve seen the signs coming for a while now so when I finally decided to call my doctor, I wasn’t surprise she told me I am having a depression and anxiety issues. I have reached a point where the thought of spending time alone with my child brings me to tears and almost in a panic attack. I don’t recognize myself anymore and I have never felt so alone. Most of my friends are nowhere to be seen, all extremely busy with their lives. That’s the downsize of starting a family when all your friends are still in the “party” mode. They slowly disappear from your life. And I’m not blaming them. I wouldn’t want to spend my Friday night playing with my friend and her toddler if I could be out dining and dancing. But part of me resent the feeling of abandonment I feel. In a place in my life where I need them the most, they are absent.

I’ve been spending all my free time trying to find ways to keep positive, to find ways to enjoy the time I have to spend with my beautiful boy, to find ways to overcome being miserable at the thought of being alone with him, but specially, to find ways to battle my depression and get on the recovery road. I have lost count the amount of time I burst in tears in a day. This is not me, I don’t recognize myself in this. I wrote this blog when my boy was sleeping and now I need to go to sleep at the same time as him to try to rest as much as possible since he still wakes up many many times at night.

I want to thank you for having read my few posts. And the comments. They made me feel soooooo relief to know that I wasn’t alone. I can’t explain how much peace every comment brought to me and I am hoping to find the strength to come back to this blog.

~xox~

Otherwise, you will be stuck listening to all sort of advise. Let him cry out! He’s not gonna do a tantrum all day, he’s going to get tired eventually (wanna bet??). Your spoiling him to much. You should have never started co-sleeping. You don’t use a babysitter enough. Are you sure your not exagerating? (most ANNOYING comment ever!) He can’t be that bad (yes he can!). etc. And you also have to deal with *the look*. I can’t explain it, it’s just this look they give you to make you feel like it can’t be that bad or why on earth aren’t you controlling your child more.

In our case, the family isn’t much help either. One family member told me that it is because I breastfed. I respect everyone’s decision on formula vs breastfeeding, but as a nurse, I strongly believe breastfeeding being the best option and you will not make me believe that my child is fussy because I breasfed him. My own mom told me that I was probably making it sound worse than it really is. And that’s another problem: in presence of strangers or people he doesn’t get to see on a daily basis, he will be an angel, a perfect little boy, my dream boy and probably every mothers dream child. He’s extremely smiley, he’s calm, he’s sharing, he’s cuddly, he’s the total opposite of what he is with us or with our friends that he sees daily. You could not get more black and white than this.

So giving the lack of support and giving the lack of people who could listen to me vent (although I finally met mothers in my area thanks to the mamachat), I decided to go see a psychologist. Whose better than an unbiais person who are suppose to keep their own values and personal judgment at bay to listen to you? After a month of seeing her, I can tell you my next appointment will be the last because she is making me feel so much worse. She is unbiais but she lets her own personal belief reflect. She keeps giving those suggestions and I keep saying “I just want to talk!”. But she strongly believe that in order to feel better, I must solve the problem. The problem, according to her is my son’s behaviour.

Let me make this clear. My son’s behaviour is NOT a problem. It is true that his behaviour makes our role as a parent difficult but it is part of who he is. He’s just a little bundle, 14 months, who have all those intense feelings and he doesn’t know how to deal with all that. We have to help him deal with his emotions and that’s why I’ve been knocking at every resources my community has. Because when I think of it, all the personality traits he seems to be showing, they are all traits that, yes make my job a lot harder, but they are also traits that I find very attractive and valuable in a person. Who doesn’t admire someone determine, goal-oriented, persistent and full of energy? Yet, we look down on child who are exactly like that.

Oh the limitations. Have you ever tried saying no or add a gate? That’s a recipe World War III right there. I still remember the first time we’d put up the gate to restrict his access to the bathroom. He had look at it without any complaint. I thought “wow could it actually go smoothly?” Haha! Obviously I didn’t take into account that at that point, he had no clue what the gate was for. No worries, he realized the second I had to go pee and it became the biggest tears show in town. Even after I was back on the same side as him, he was trying to pull on it while big tears strolled down his pretty face.

The other limitation he absolutely hates is the word “no”. We have a wine rack and this week he started to try to rattle it, causing all the suspended glasses to swing in all directions. It is also causing me or his dad to warn him “No, dangerous!” Which in returns cause him to kneeled, put his head on the floor and scream until he looses his voice or puke.

All kids do that but at least most will stop eventually or will be distracted by something else. Not with a high need child. I can promise you that 4 hours later, 10 new toys later, etc he will still be on the floor crying.